A Review of Transformers: Dark of the Moon

There are some movies where you become drawn into a fictional reality, perhaps because of dynamic storytelling where we breathe the script vicariously through characters that borrow a part of our egoistical identities (They give it back at the end of the movie and we are left with just an empty popcorn box).  Well after the first two installments it’s safe to say that Transformers is no such a film. Nevertheless, I was a huge fan of the television series and owned many a transformer toy so I felt obliged to see the final film of the trilogy, named Transformers: Dark of the Moon. (Spoilers ahead)

The film opens with a clever montage that juxtapositions an alternate reality of actual historical events. In this case, we find out that the Apollo 11 mission sent to the moon in fact discovered not just moon rock but an alien ship belonging to who else but those enigmatic robots that just can’t keep their junk from falling into our solar system. We learn that the ship was piloted by Sentinel Prime, the previous leader of the Autobots and he was ferrying technology that would change the outcome of the battle in Cybertron for the Autobots. The ship of course is the mythical Ark of transformers canon, and Optimus Prime discovers that the Soviet attempted to use a fuel cell found in its wreck, resulting in the Chernobyl accident (continuing the theme of “yay let’s use historical events to make things cooler”).

We then find that our protaganist Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) has ditched or should I say upgraded Mikaela (the recently fired Megan Fox) to an English girl, Carly Spencer (of authentic Transformers canon), played by the stunning Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whitely. Unfortunately this is the most appropriate description of Huntington-Whitely’s performance as she seems to have perfected the wide eyed, slack jawed effect and somehow gotten stuck with one expression. In fact, in the middle of a chaos in the climax of the film, there is a laughable scene where the camera pans towards her doing ONLY that for a good 15 seconds.

I can't really act so I'll just try to look pretty

Sam seems to have suffered from a post-Transformers life crisis where he struggles to find a job that would give him enough stimulation and meaning. He eventually finds work in a mail room under an OCPD boss by the name of Bruce (John Malkovich). His girlfriend however, works for Dylan Gould (Patrick Dempsey) who appears to be a wealthy business magnate with an interest in cars.

Meanwhile, Optimus is sulking (we know this because he uh, remains quiet in his trailer truck mode) at the news that the humans have withheld knowledge of the Ark on the dark side of the moon. He scrambles to put his massive metal foot on the moon to retrieve Sentinel Prime (voiced by Leonard Nimoy), who with tentacle bears bears a striking resemblance to Captain Barbosa. Using the matrix of leadership, he revives his former leader and has a talk with him apparently and awkwardly in the middle of the African savannah. Sentinel Prime reveals to the humans that he was carrying pillars to build a space bridge that would turn the tide of the Cybertronian War.

The Decepticons however, have been laying low, waiting for Sentinel Prime to be resurrected, presumably so that they can get in on this bridge thing. They are executing humans connected to the Russian and American space missions to the moon. One of them, Sam’s coworker Jerry Wang (Ken Jeong) manages to slip in information about “the dark side of the moon” before being assassinated by Laserbeak. With the help of the now eccentric former agent Seymour Simmons (John Turtturro), he uncovers evidence that the Decepticons were at the Ark way before Optimus and have the bulk of the space pillars. Next thing you know, Sam is alerting the Autobots that Sentinel Prime is in grave danger.

During the escort mission to get Sentinel Prime to safety, the former Autobot leader throws a curveball of his own, by revealing that he had made a pact to work with Megatron. He kills Ironhide point blank and runs away with the pillars. With Megatron at his side he activates a space bridge that transports hundreds of Decepticons that have been lying dormant on the dark side of the moon. His next plan is to transport Cybertron itself to Earth’s vicinity and enslave the human race as some sort of cheap labour force to gather resources.

Gould is revealed as a human Decepticon agent and he places a transforming spy probe-watch on Sam’s wrist to find out Optimus’ plans. The Autobots are condemned to exile and sent in a rocket into space, but not before it gets shot down by a Decepticon lying in wait. It appears the Decepticons and Sentinel Prime have full control of the Earth. They lay ruin to the city of Chicago and barricade it’s centre to make way for the space bridge. (For it would be much more dramatic than say going to Antartica).

Sigh...one can only hope that is a Protoss Carrier

To nobody’s surprise, the Autobots return (they were in the rocket boosters that fell off and returned to Earth) and save the day even though they are heavily outnumbered. This doesn’t stop Sentinel Prime from activating the space bridge and summoning Cybertron itself into full atmospheric view. Yes, for Michael Bay hopes that the awesome visuals will distract you long enough before you remember the laws of physics and realize that planets have gravitational fields. Also the titular “moon” is conspicuously nowhere to be seen during the epic appearance of Cybertron. You’d think it would be awesome for them to transport Cybertron to within Earth’s gravitational field only to have it collide with the moon.

Optimus is cornered by Sentinel Prime and has his arm amputated before Megatron comes to save his day. Yes you read that right. None other than Carly Spencer herself personally approaches the mangled tyrant (he’s still missing most of his robotic cranium) and whispered to him words that would make him jealous of Sentinel Prime’s position. An absurdly ridiculous scene. But anyways to cut the story short, Megatron distracts Sentinel Prime just enough so that the one-armed Optimus can kill them both.

So what exactly does Transformers bring to the table? It’s sort of like imagining what would happen if the actors in all your sitcoms played their roles in the nude. Transformers is almost pornographic in the way it presents action and violence. Sparks fly, robo-tentacles constrict buildings, and metal is shredded all over the place without discretion. (I now shudder at the thought of Michael Bay-directed porn). Sometimes I got the feeling that I was trapped in the scene witnessing pointless destruction. The chaotic climax of the film stretches so long that you wonder if you’re watching an unending CNN coverage of Chicago’s destruction by robot aliens instead.

I was waiting for "Optimus, I am your father"

The character development is extremely weak, save for Sam Witwicky. We know very little about the Autobots except that they preach freedom for all sentient beings. I could hardly see the purpose of including the Wreckers in this film as they disappeared from screen as quickly as they were called upon. The household sized Wheelie and Brains were poor comic relief and I found myself not caring what happened to them in the end.

There was minimal interaction between Bumblebee and Sam – one of the highlights of the first movie. The Decepticons including Soundwave and Shockwave are completely underdeveloped and reduced to unrecognizable and twisted metal hulks that speak jibberish (or don’t speak at all) and have weird spider mouths. I have to say it but most of them just look ugly.

Shockwave was upset he didn't get more of a speaking role

But at the end of the day, Transformers is not about characters or storytelling. It’s not even about the Autobots or Decepticons – they are merely the toys in the toybox. It seems to me that the mantra of this movie is about pushing the limits of special effects and porno-violence to thrill the audience. An this admittedly it does very well evidenced by the applause I heard at the end of the movie.